France and I are official enemies. Nothing has been working out here no matter how hard I’ve been trying to stay positive and one thing after another keeps falling apart. I’m really wondering where’s the old luck I used to have has gone. Could it be me or just my coincidence and the bad decisions I’ve awfully mistakenly made?
Trying to start a new life here has almost seems impossible and filled with endless barriers. Prior to coming, I’ve already struggled in patiently waiting for my contract to show up, bringing that to the consulate, and obtaining my visa. The first time I was refused as they said I needed an official stamp and so, the process was delayed. Next, I had to translate my birth certificate, in which there was an error and I had to notify them in the correction and then bring it to be officialised it was authentic. This was a long and complicated procedure but it was even further delayed.
I admit, I was annoyed and these processes were tedious. But there was a solution, and everything worked out in time for me to board my plane. I had no idea that this was only a preview of the numerous of complications I would face alone when I arrive.
Accommodation is the first issue I tackled. As someone who is organized, I started earlier. As soon as I received my contract in March, I looked for a family. I found what I though was the perfect family, until I arrived, and we realized we were a bad fit for each other. I had to immediately escape. Even though I knew I had to leave, I had no where to go. There was no Plan B. It was the most scariest time of my life to be homeless.
A week ago, I found my own place. I was doing tutoring for a family with an exchange of a room where I can be independent. I really enjoy the neighbourhood, as the subway is very close and there were great people and facilities all around. I even signed up for the (overpriced) gym that I knew was a wrong decision but still gone through with it. It started off okay, I went to the gym, felt like I was living a healthier lifestyle, and I felt I was really independent. I don’t have a shower on my floor and I live separately from the family, so it was a little inconvenient to go to their house all the time. Yet, having a gym membership meaning I didn’t have to depend on them. That was kinda nice. Until… they had a fire and it is now closed.
I remember standing there in front of the gym in disbelief. How could such a rare occurrence happen? Can it be really a coincidence or how my luck is just so miserable? The gym was unbelievably expensive, and unreasonable, and I’m sure they charged me twice or triple the price for being a short-term customer. I unwillingly paid the price anyways because it was important in self-sustenance. When it had a fire, maybe it was a sign – you are not the right fit for me either. I want my money back. Every single penny.
This same week, I also lost my internet. I relied on a wifi hotspot for my internet the past week until I received a SIM card with 3G internet, but it decided to stop working. Life without Internet is a little frustrating, as I do feel isolated and alone in every single situation, but school has kept me sane. I enjoy working with the students and the teachers have been absolutely supportive. I also use the computers at school and would from now on rely on Starbucks Wi-Fi and the library temporarily.
I’ve already moved three times, and every week in a new home. Is it possible that I will move again for the fourth time? I did self-serve laundry for the first time a few days ago and I’m annoyed. It took me hours and multiple times of walking back and forth. I should have a laundry at home and a shower – and my life should be simpler. And so I have decided to move even if it meant paying rent.
I’m exhausted of fighting and at this point, I just want to give up. I’m fed up that my stamina is being pulled down by all sorts of challenges, time after time. When would it all end? Everything has been so bizarre that I cannot even believe it can all happen at the same time. I came here to experience a new culture, to learn and to travel – but all I’ve been doing is trying to live. I want to start my life already.
You never know how strong you are or how strong you have to be until you watch your world collapse. Then you ask yourself, what are my choices besides going on?
I guess there is none, so I will continue to struggle, to battle and to tackle until the very end.
Everyone has a story.
This is mine.
You are a strong person Charmaine and I know you can persevere, you’ve done and been through more than most people will come across in a life-time. Be strong and take comfort in that fact.
And if you ever feel like you’ve done enough, dont get down, very few people would dare go through half the things you have.
Always admiring your courage
-Chris Redo
Wow, Charmaine! You are really tough and quite the fighter. Things will get better. Don’t back down. I know it can seem really tempting especially with this immense list, but the best things to have often are the ones we have to fight for. I hope things improve for you soon. Someone once told me that after a series of bad luck, you are blessed with the best of luck, so may great things start rolling your way. Do what you need to do to be happy and comfortable. And never fear. Living comes in all different forms. You say you are frustrated about not getting to live yet, but you have learned so much just from all of this horrendously frustrating, seemingly unlucky slew of events. It’s a weird sort of blessing, but it will help you to understand people on an even deeper level. It will help enhance things in time.
Thank you Chris! This is so nice of you to say. I really have encountered and battled a lot and sometimes, I really wish I can stop fighting and start living. Thanks for your support! I’ll try to keep my chin up to keep going.
When I first got to France i tried moving twice, didn’t work out, so I stayed where I was, I paid a little extra, but i got reliable internet, showers, and laundry, check for student apartments, they are usually okay, also you can get sfr wireless internet where you don’t pay that much a month and they have hotspots everywhere. Remember the first couple months are the hardest, i remember swearing in my head a lot, but you get used to it, and eventually it just becomes natural, the french way of life and you feel comfortable navigating it, hang in there ! it will get better
Hang in there, Charmaine!
Everything will be ok!
Charmaine! I should have let you know that laundry in France is uh…unusual. I did all my laundry by hand in my sink the entire time I lived there - coin laundry is so expensive, and even though I was renting my building did not have any laundry facilities (I think that’s actually fairly common even in North America - my current Toronto apartment doesn’t have laundry either!). I’m fairly surprised you got internet to work! There’s so much paperwork to get a phone and internet that I just used internet at my office. France is really not technology-friendly: they do most of their paperwork by hand, and there are no other copies of anything if it gets lost.
It may go easier for you if you don’t try to compare it to the kind of living standards in North America and Asian Tiger economies - pretend you’re in rural Ecuador! I do think it’s harder to live in France than to live in India or Africa, perhaps because our expectations of what it should be like are never met.
Please just meet up with Pierre and see if he can help you find a new place or let you use his laundry machine! He can help you navigate France’s hidden potholes =) It seems like you also have some support from people at school, so that’s another major plus for you. It just takes a bit of adjusting to, but you will get through this just fine!
Your misery right now is just the start of a great adventure you are gonna have in France! I am sure you’ll be able to laugh it off when it’s over. It’ll get better! Don’t give up!
That’s ironic. I’m already laughing at how ridiculous things have been, and then just crying begging it to be over. I’m really trying - I just wish things would stop collapsing on me!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I admire your courage and strength. When you finally get out of this - whether you fight through or give up, you will be a stronger and better person. Stay safe!
Thanks Mariel for always following my blog! I’m in a better and safer place now and slowly figuring things out!
There is no way but up! :) Take care.
Charm, at the very least, your writing has improved. 20 years later, these would be good stories to tell.